So being top drawer over here at casa de Crazy Pants means never having to say you’re sorry. As in, the occasional low brow item is acceptable so long as you’re drinking in atop mid-century furnishings, plush faux fur pillows, and below a Picasso lithograph. That’s right, I like cheap wine and silly cocktails. Sue me. This whole wave of fancy designer beers and muddled serum syrup root essence hipster b-hole drinks can honestly suck it. I’m over it. Also over the speakeasys (too cramped, leads to the sweating out of the weave) and the cloooobs where those hoes make you pay to let Jabronis sweat gin all over you and THEN have to mix a drink for your damn self. My solution is Dorrian’s, places where I can make an entrance, or drinking solo in my robe.
Enter, the Baby Prostitute. You’ve heard this reference from Mean Girls – the greatest film of our time – when Janis accuses CADY of smelling like one. Well, my evil jealous shizbox siblings realized that my favorite pre-game drinky is the liquor equivalent of a hoochie wearing CK One. It’s a bootleg Bellini, but quite effective if your goal is to get absolutely housed without tasting any real biting liquor icky taste. The trick is to not get too fancy with it. If you try and sub in Veuve for Andre, you’re ruining the point and are quite frankly wasting perfectly good bubbles. Andre is delicious and 5 damn dollars, use it for tailgating, or simply insert a bendy straw straight into the bottle and hop in a cab. It’s best use is in the recipe below…
Here’s how you get ‘er done:
- 1 Bottle Stoli Peachnik Vodka
- 2 Bottles of Andre Extra Dry Champagne
- 1 Large Long-stemmed Wine Glass
- 2 Handfuls of Ice
- Cherry Garnish (for added Hooker flare)
Fill 1/4 of the glass with the Vodka. Then plop the ice in. Add a shiz ton of Andre and mix that ish around. Start flat-ironing your weave and put on some Miley. And voila! You’re 3 glasses away from acting like Blanche from Golden Girls. RIP.