No no.. not the Baby Mama kind of trap.
Men are very dumb. In the words of Lafayette Reynolds, they are all just “suckers for packaging.” I mean this quite literally. Package your damn self into a man-friendly get-up. That means no sherpa sweaters, smocks, jeggings, turtlenecks, ponchos, high-waisted bikini bottoms and pants, rompers (if you’re above a size 6), man loafers, ties, pashminas that drown you, or anything that remotely resembles what your Nana might be wearing this very instant. These duds might be what you want to wear to Chelsea market with your gay husband on Saturday or sush with the girls at Hane, but mostly they are all fug and guys don’t want to peel these off their floor in the morning, ya dig?
The art of pimp swagger and man magic cannot be taught. It truly is a gift. But I’ll clue you into some of the sure-fire success tactics of my youth. Ben Affleck said it best: “Always.be.closing.” Whether that be a simple “Check, please!” at the bar, a 3-day later follow-up call, or a friggin’ engagement ring, here’s what you need:
SEDUCE AND DESTROY
- Invest in Spanx. Seriously, the Bridgette Jones dilemma suggests that your shapewear will humiliate you in front of saucy Hugh Grant. False. Just do what I do, if you end up playing kissy face with a laxtastic suitor, quickly run to the bathroom and throw that scuba suit out the damn window! If I had a nickle for every pair of granny panties or waist-cinchers in the dumpster behind SAE, I’d be Bill Gates. (Love you, Billy!)
- Beezus thinks candles are too gimicky for such activities, but as long as you have something that smells like rich Mahogany/ woodsy/ piney/ amber/ sandlewood/ MUSK, you should be in the clear. Candles let them know you mean business and that you’re not a prissypants.
- Feel free to say wildly inappropriate things. Being yourself and letting your freak flag fly translates to confidence. Boys inhale the vapors of a confident woman like a Cuban cigar. So go ahead, make dirty jokes, and relish in not having a social filter. They’re probably a bigger weirdo than you are.
- Take Shots of Tequila.
- Remove all other attractive females from his eye line.
- Backseam, Swiss Dot, or sheer black tights are good. A little bit of doing the sassy tights thing is OK, but fishnets have been ruined by Christina Aguilera and the B&T crowd. I’m loyal to HUE – especially with their guest designer collections.
- Cher from Clueless says to always have something baking – I don’t hate it.
- Your playlist back at the ranch should be one of the following based upon the target: loungey/Pretty Lights, Zeppelin, Dave live at Boulder, Kings of Leon/The XX, or hoochie rap.