If you so happen to take a leisurely weekend drive around Westchester, find yourself on Hollywood Drive sometime around Thanksgiving or Christamakah, and hear strange sounds emanating from numero ochenta (which is more than likely), it could be one of two things:
- Sadie Boots and Henry Foot are in a heated round of snarley faces (i.e. Princess Peahead has decided that she has had enough of Jimmy Tummy Rumble’s tennis ball for one lifetime and must imitate the sound of a dying Chewbaca in order to stop the madness.)
- Nobody can find the NYT wedding section because SOMEBODY stole it for mid-BM entertainment. Chaos ensues.
More than likely, both scenarios are happening simultaneously and our neighbors are once again wondering why they had to shack up next door to the original Bickersons/ Doodledy Doo Review.
Feinbergs live for hung-over Sundays in HOH – judging the NYT weddings, eating Linda’s dank hash browns, and turning the volume on Moonstruck loud enough to drown out the sound of our dogs coming completely unglued again. Today, we present the first public installment of NYT Sunday Wedding Winners. Read and learn.
And the winner is….
+ 20 points: bride is actually from NYC and the wedding is at the Bowery Hotel. I’m so sick of DC weddings in the NYT I could, in the words of Babygirl’s infamous WV trip advisor review, “pour fecal matter on my head.” I’ve had enough vanilla-smarty-pants-Ann Taylor Loft-look-at-me-I-just-bought-a-condo-in-Arlington bullshiz for one lifetime, okay?
+20 points: groom is from Chappaqua. Not only is Chappaqua the site of my so-top-drawer-we-didn’t-even-document-it Bat Mitzvah back in 2001 (what up Crabtree Kittle!), but it is also the hometown of my P.I.C. Snaggery G and our girl Hillary C! Big ups
+10 points: bride has a sick job with the best thing to happen to one-stop top-drawer lifestyle shopping before C. Wonder came into our lives, Jonathan Adler. Show me one thing on the Jonathan Adler website that I wouldn’t test my credit limit on and the next round’s on me.
+5 points: bride’s mom is a divorce lawyer…. just like LINDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
+10 points: groom seems to be currently unemployed (though Snags assures me that his most recent gig was legit). Nevertheless, you gotta hand it to our bread-winning sister Charlotte. I may speak for myself on this one (being that Beezus and Crazy Pants were both voted “most likely to marry for money at HHS), but I look forward to being someone’s sugar mama one day. Girl is smart to be clutching onto those purse strings for dear life… I learned from the one and only Larsa Pippin that the only way to be sure that your man isn’t stepping out on you is to slap on the green visor, whip out your abacus, and keep a close eye on those joint checking accounts.
+15 points: groom’s parents live in Jackson, Wyoming. This girl clearly knows what she’s doing. When you’ve got a solid home base in NYC, your next move is securing a vacation destination(s) that costs as close to nada as possible (think anyone‘s Hamptons house, grandparents in Florida, college friends in Cali). Feinbergs love skiing – it’s a simple pleasure that’s also fancy and is PERFECT for super fabulous get-ups and general mischief-making. So definitely kudos for locking up a Larry-friendly (i.e. FREE) ski house.
+5 points: groom’s mom is an antiques dealer. Who needs a dreckorator when your mother-in-law can completely outfit your house in shabby-chic furnishings?
BONUS: Turns out the bride went to our summer camp just a couple years ahead of Bezusita!
Total: 85 points, plus major Feinberg bonus points for the CF connection. Bravo, Charlotte!