My evil wench hermanas like to give me shit because I’m clearly the pinnacle of the hybrid vigor that resulted from Larry and Linda’s union. More specifically, they call my sweet ass out for a) being an evil shwayshe out to conquer human civilization as we know it; b) listening to a shiz ton of Sufjan Stevens (sorry I’m not sorry – it just so happens to be the hit single from the Soundtrack of My Life); c) calling it like I see it. Especially when I see those two birdbrains being IDIOTS; and d) drinking a lot of craft beer with my super awesome boyfriend, usually alone in our principles.
Funny thing, though… as much as those hoes hate on my love for hops, they’re the ones lining up to fill the growler at De Ciccos these days. (Don’t even get me started on the barf juice Katy picked up for Thanksgiving… I’m still washing out my mouth to get rid of the lingering burnt hair aftertaste). Then again, every ho hum poser this side of Kathmandu is a so-called beer enthusiast all the sudden, so I really shouldn’t even bother feigning surprise.
Anywhowho, I’ve got some suggestions on beers for the holidays that befit a number of wintery occasions. Scrumps amigos!
The inimitable Guinness
True story: Out of all the places on Earth I could have gone abroad for a semester during college, you want to know where I picked? Dublin. Why? Because I love beer – especially Guinness, because I love posting up, because it’s Linda’s native soil, and because it’s damn good craic. By far the most valuable lesson I learned while living in the land of leprechauns and rainbows was that we Americans are serving/drinking Guinness wrong wrong wrong. If you served an Irish person an ice cold, foamy Guinness the way I get it at my corner bar, they would spit in your goddamn face (no joke, they are super salty – another reason why Dublin is the tits). I honestly think that the poor quality of an American pour is why a lot of chickenheads are not into Guinness. As soon as my formerly stout-hating friends paid me a visit in Ireland, they were shocked to find that Guinness is velvety and smooth and super drinkable – kind of like the warm glass of milk of the beer world.
As a personal christmas/ hannukah gift this year, do yourself a favor and watch the instructional video below, then hold your goddamn horses and let the foam settle.
Harpoon Winter Warmer
Being a chosen person, I honestly don’t know (or give a flying f) what egg nog tastes like. Given that it’s not standard practice for me to drink beverages made out of a leading cause of salmonella, I may never know. What I do know is that Harpoon Winter Warmer tastes like Christmas. Its main ingredients include happiness, snowflakes, and wonderment. Even for all you “oh-I’ll-just-have-a-Blue-Moon” sissy pants, it’s very drinkable for a darker ale. 5.9% ABV ain’t too shabby either. The only person I know on Earth who doesn’t get the tingles from this shiz is Beezus, who is a fludge and apparently does not enjoy drinking a cinnamon flavored pint of smiles.
Goose Island Bourbon County Stout
You know what else I like? Stouts that can get you tanked after a single pint. And not just because all Feinbergs are notorious lightweights, but because the ABV is off the mothereffing charts. Allow me to introduce you to Goose Island’s Bourbon Stout. Goose Island is a super reliable brewery out of Chicago (another salty city I fully respect). Some time ago, Snags read about a limited release beer they make that literally tastes like straight up Kentucky Rye. He wouldn’t shut up about it for months on end, so I finally surprised him for Valentine’s Day or his Birthday or one of those days where I’m supposed to drop mons on him by tracking down the Bourbon Stout and buying him a four-pack (that’s right, it’s so goddamn strong they only give you four, and even that was close to $30! Larry would not approve). Lucky for us, it turned out to be amazeballs. It’s so dark and warm and rich, a crackling fire is basically mandatory for drinking it. Plus, if there’s ever a time to get needlessly drunk, it’s the holidays. Bam.
Anchor Steam Christmas Ale 2011
In the true spirit of being so awesome that almost everything seems old/boring, I’m sick of seeing the same old beers at every liquor store. I get it – Great Divide, Lagunitas, Victory, Flying Dog… they’re legit. But enough already! Knock my socks off before I make like a hipster and start drinking moonshine.
Enter Anchor Steam. Very old brewery out of San Fran with a fair amount of street cred. Their standard offerings are good enough that I’ll dabble every now and again, but I’m not a diehard. What really does it for me is their annual Christmas Ale. Every year, the guys at Anchor Steam whip up a brand new recipe, while always keeping the same Christmassy (i.e. cinnamonny, nutmeggy, etc) flavor. It’s always good, and it’s always new! Even the bottle gets re-done each year with a new kind of pine tree. So this holiday season, I’m thankful to Anchor Steam for saving me from shimmying into skinny jeans, slipping on thick-rimmed glasses, and moving to Red Hook.