This blog tends to observe life through a neon magenta, chicken-headed lens and sometimes teeters on becoming strictly vag-friendly. I am not down. The fellas reading this – and we know you do – must have a primal urge to shoot a 6-point Buck, drink a warm Milwaukee Beast, and quickly find their balls. No need to tromp on down to the Moose Lodge or local VFW, yet.
Ray Liotta’s fine ace once told Kevin Coster that if you build some sporty shit and piss off your ginger brother-in-law, a bunch of lame ghosts will have one last creepy hoorah in your cornfield while nostalgic music serenades your nagging butch wife. Or, if you build it, they will come. Don’t take that too literally, pervs. But make like Antoine D and hide yo kids hide yo wife, leave the gun and take the Canoli – some things in your casa are not suitable for male vision, while other things need to be added in order to remind these fools why they are not at home with Domino’s cheesey bread and Skoal, playing a leisurely game of Halo.
- All products having to do with the crimson wave
- All products having to do with anything south of the border
- Your retainer and headgear
- Everything Laura Ashley, FAO Schwartz, HSN, and American Girl
- Books like Chicken Soup for the Whiney Looney Bin Self-Indulgent Doormat Soul, Why Men Love Bitches, He’s Just Not That Into You, Eat/Pray/
BARF/Love, or other publications suggestive of the Stage 5 Genre.
- The box of photos, letters, old lacrosse sweatshirts (*sigh*), locks of hair, or anything having to do with ex-boos and infatuations that never materialized.
- Most of your DVDs and music collection. We usually like Mean Girls, Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead, and Moonstruck. Unless sensitive souls like Long Dock Dong, Jake Ryan, and Mr. Jay from ANTM are coming over for sush, these films are not kosher for the weiner species.
Strategically Place, Invest in, or Do:
- Good lighting – (Note: my birthday is coming up and I would really enjoy the “Clapper” lighting system)
- Larry the Cable Guy, Season 1-2 of Eastbound & Down, Friars Club Roast of Pamela Anderson, Top Gun, Slapshot, Any Given Sunday, Judd Apatow’s recent stuff, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (NOT TRUE, it is the LIAR capital of the East Coast).
- Leather-bound books
- A Bonzai tree
- Place yoga mat blatantly near door or closet (plant the seed of curiosity regardless of whether or not you actually attend your gym’s Vinyasa sessions)
- Boy lingo reads like Too Big to Fail, Freakonomics, and Obama’s War
- Only talk sports and put the game on if you seriously know what you’re talking about or have genuine interest. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN GIRLS WHO USE SPORTS as an attention-getting mechanism and then ACT SUPER DUPER SALLY SPORTSNUT. It’s a ploy. It’s a farce. And it’s especially retardo and whack when done via Facebook. This is becoming a huge problem lately and I hope the peens of the world will support my message of truth.
- A fridge that has the perfect array of seemingly healthy but still edible snacks. Hide the damn nutella and last night’s pad thai.