Let’s get something straight: the gym is not a fun, happy place. It is a sweaty hellhole with unflattering lighting and lots of skinny biatches pretending that working out is an enjoyable activity. Enough with the charade you a-holes! The human body simply does not like feeling tired, sore, and overworked. It would rather be vegging out on a couch watching Say Yes to the Dress and eating leftover Pad See-Yu. Don’t blame me. It’s science.
My affinity for working out is always at one extreme or the other – I’ll either maintain a 100-yard restraining order from every nearby fitness facility, or I’ll be a complete psycho gym rat doing two 1-hour sessions on the ellyptical per day at the highest speed and resistance like some kind of cracked out Britney-Spears-in-her-I’m-a-Slave-for-you-hotness-hey-day. I would say it comes out to 98% the former, 2% the latter, and as always I suck at math so that’s definitely a generous estimation.
Lately, I’ve been such a regular at the gym that I could tell you off the top of my cabeza the kind of butterfly tattoos that the ladies who walk around naked in the locker room have and where. And this time, I think I’ve figured out how to keep the good streak going. See below for my step-by-step guide to forcing yourself to put down the Thai takeout and whip that ass into shape.
Step 1: Join an expensive, fancy gym
As I often admit here on the festivus, I live paycheck to paycheck and I’m not sorry. If I had leftover mons at the end of every 2 week cycle, that would mean that I’m not being effective with the resources available to me. One day, I’m going to be a baller, but until that day, I’m going to have to spend every cent I’ve got to maintain a sufficiently top drawer lifestyle. That’s just the way it is, and all your haters can take your self righteous fiscal responsibility and shove it.
Anywhowho, one of the biggest drains on my finances is my monthly membership to Vida, which is kind of like the Equinox of DC. Sure, I could have joined Results or some other dingy dump, but a) I would not have felt guilty enough about wasting my hard-earned dolla billz whenever I skipped a gym sesh and b) I would never want to go spend time in such a depressing environment. Vida is huge and light and bright and airy, it’s brand spanking new and shiny and tippy top drawer, the people are attractive, there are personal tv’s on the machines, there is every kind of class imaginable, and it smells not terrible. Seriously though, this is what the women’s locker room looks like:
So take the plunge and say sayonara to that $100 each month. Your waistline will thank you.
Step 2: Buy yourself a flattering gym wardrobe
Who the hell wants to get dressed to work out when it means completely butchifying themselves and looking like a hot mess in a place chock full of reflective surfaces? Absolutely no one, that’s who.
So after you’ve got your fancy gym membership signed, it’s time to haul ass to Lululemon and drop even more dinero on a cute workout wardrobe. Yeah, it’s laughably expensive. Duh. But you know what? It looks damn good on basically everyone. So enough of those annoying Nike shorts I see every blonde chickenhead wearing nowadays – get yourself into some black stretchy spandex with an anti-muffin top waistband and one of those hot stretchy tank tops that prevents armpit/ back fat bulges.
Also, I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I like my hair to be straight when I go to the gym. I can’t stress how important it is to feel hot when you’ve got so many mirrors everywhere, and you’ll get less frizzy flyaways getting all sweaty on your forehead when you can just pull it back into a nice sleek ponytail.
Step 3: Load up the iPod. And do it right.
The art of playlist-making is a rare gift, and it is especially important when motivating oneself to go to the gym. My #1 rule for songs that go on my “Feel the Burn” playlist is that they have to have a really heavy bass line, because I like to pace myself on the ellyptical in time with the songs. #2 – I don’t care if you hate techno – it is simply not negotiable when it comes to workout playlists. Get over yourself and make amends with David Guetta. He is your friend. #3 – pick songs that have to do with looking hot, moving some part of your body, or any kind of I’ll-show-you-just-how-wrong-you-were-about-me-you-douchebag type of lyrics.
Lately, I’ve been tricking myself to do the full hour on the machine by starting my workout at the top of the hour when new shows are coming on. I prefer House Hunters, but whatever floats your boat, as long as it’s the kind of show that you can’t stop watching until you know what the outcome is. That way, you can’t stop burning calories until the show is done! Where does the iPod come in, you ask? Commercials, duh! Advertising may pay the bills in the Feinberg household, but it still kills my vibe when I’m getting my groove on at the gym. So as soon as the commercials come on, pump up the jams on your iPod until regular programming resumes. Works like a charm.
Below is the ultimate list of jimmy jams for the ellyptical. It is guaranteed to change your life or your money back.
Waiting for a Star to Fall- Cabin Crew
Lil Star – Kelis
Green Light (Freemasons Remix) – Beyonce
Who do you think you are – Spice Girls
Bottoms Up – Keke Palmer
Higher- Taio Cruz
Memories- David Guetta
Deadmau5- Ghosts n Stuff
Bleeding Love (Dance Remix) – Leona Lewis
Heads will Roll (A Track Remix) – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Nice n Slow (B-Rock remix) – Usher
Work (Freemasons Remix) – Kellie Rowland
I Wanna Go – Britney Spears
Shark in the Water (Louis La Roche Remix) – VV Brown