Anybody who says they don’t enjoy trashy reality TV every once in a while needs to chillax and stop taking their damn selves so seriously. Is reality programming the Roman fall of our civilization? Possibly. Will 60 minutes of Jersey Shore cost you 60,000 brain cells? Highly likely. Is it OK to indulge in the guilty pleasures of hoarding, pageants, and matchmaking every once in a while? Abso-fucking-lutely. There’s a time and place for everything, and sometimes all you wanna do is kick back with a big glass of cheap Chard (Bebemuchacha), a pint of Lagunitas (Captain Muff), or mulled wine (yours truly) and zone out to mind-numbingly hilarious television. In no particular order are some Feinberg-approved reality shows:
Patti Patti Patti. Where oh where do you find the assortment of pedos, creepers, and douchebags that pass as “millionaires” for your show? And your auditioning sessions may as well be the last stop on the delusion train for failed actresses and midwest catalogue models. Some standard Patti lines:
“The penis does the picking. Mr. Downstairs knows who he likes and who he doesn’t like.”
“Wear a f–kin’ bra, and don’t come in to my house in a nappy napsack.” Amen sister!
“You know what? Eat me.” Marge, take note.
On dealing with children or men: “You just gotta give them a toy and they calm down, or food, or a breast.”
“Maybe fat Jessica Simpson, but not Blake Lively.”
Patti: “No sex without. . .”
Patti Stanger, keep up the amazing work.
Toddlers and Tiaras
It’s like a gruesome highway accident that you just have to look at, even though your Mom’s yelling at you to keep your eyes forward. 5-year olds with massive wigs, skin the color of DJ Pauly D, more make-up than a Kardashian and $5K tutus is just too bizarre to turn away from.
This is admittedly the lowest of the low. These women are uneducated, violent, and morally bankrupt, but I’m hooked, especially on Drita, aka Real-Life Adrianna (that’s a Sopranos reference for those of you living under a rock). The names of the cast tell the whole story: Drita D’Avanzo, Carla Facciola, Karen Gravano, Renee Graziano, Ramona Rizzo (Ramona Rizzo! You can’t make this up!!), and Big Ang (Angela Raiola). This is some sordid, sordid stuff. Some clips below, you’ve GOTTA hear their voices. 2 packs a day. AT LEAST.