Unless you are slow as F, you should know by now that I am slightly deranged when it comes to certain topics… such as my BFFAE Lilo, White Truffles, Liars, and Germany.
Like a rabbid, tormented chickenhead pirate on a mission to make the whole damn world listen to my crazy, I will never stop hating on Germany. Some background:
Exhibit A: I had to get a damn Chemistry tutor in High School because Mr. Konig hated my guts with a vengence, decided to teach several of our classes in German (like molecular shit wasn’t difficult enough), and would wear a creepy Bavarian schoolboy outfit complete with Leiderhosen every Halloween. My ass never stood a chance.
Exhibit B: Spring of my Junior year at OWU, I took the popular upper-level history course “Adolf Hitler and Nazi Germany.” Between reading about death camps and the Frogs bending over and taking the shnitzle at the Rhine, something in me snapped.
The late great Marty Feinberg, who served our country in WW2 under Patton in the Battle of the Buldge, and particpated in the liberation of the Dachau concentration camp, put it best: “They’d do it again if they had the chance!” That’s right, along with gypsys, people from Kansas, and gingers, Germans cannot be trusted.
The list of good things about Germany is not particularly long: Their economic responsibility in the Euro mess & Beer.
The list of bag things about
Doucheland Deutschland is longer than Khal Drogo’s braid!
- David Hasselhoff
- Affinity for Militarism & Aggression
- Their test scores in Math & Science
- Food such as sourkraut and limp weenies that tastes about as yummy as a puddle of battery acid mixed with Hobo urine.
- Automobiles=Nazi Sleds. Buy American, people! If for no other reason than those Eminem Detroit commercials that rev babygirl UP.
- Mean to the Jamaican Bobsled team in Cool Runnings!
- Berlin’s trance music scene
- German Tourists like to elbow you and get lost as shiz on your daily subway commute.
… and so on.
So when Muff-n-Stuff & Beezus try and push me towards eastern France and a stop in Strousbourg during our Froggy road trip in June, don’t be suprised if I crack a Hoegarden over their skulls in protest.