By this time I assume we’ve all born witness to Sarah Marshall’s (Veronica Mars?) now infamous Sloth Meltdown.
I have a few interpretations of this mess.
1) Maybe she caught the crazy from spending too much time within three feet of Russell Brand.
2) Maybe she’s a giant (slash TINY) LIAR with a super savvy publicist who knew this shiz would blow up the second it aired, thereby boosting an otherwise forgettable C-list celebrity in decline.
3) Maybe, just maybe, she has the same kind of feelings about sloths that I have about primates. The kind of feelings that make your heart hurt so bad that all you can do is roll up into a little fetus on your bed and sob because you think it’s going to explode with love and giggles and happiness and smiles.
There you have it folks. I have a serious thing for bonobos and tarsiers and marmosets and lorises etc etc etc etc.
This is no laughing matter people! I majored in physical anthropology in college just so I could spend four years of my life studying primate biology and looking at pictures of monkeys. And mark my words, those were the best four goddamn years of my life.
Without further ado, my favorite primates:
Put simply, Bonobos are the best creatures that have ever walked the earth. They are like chimps, but smarter, nicer, cuter, and with much bigger libidos. That’s right: bonobos LOVE sexy times. They love sexy times more than David Duchovny loves sexy times. They like it in the trees, on the ground, one-on-one, in a group, homo and hetero, and if there’s no one around to fulfill their needs, they’ll take care of the job all by themselves.
Bonobos live in perfect utopian societies because they use sex to diffuse agreements. I imagine it goes something like this:
Girl bonobo #1: Hey asshole, I heard you’ve been stepping out on me with Girl Bonobo #2.
Boy bonobo #1: That’s only because you stole my favorite termite log you greedy bitch!
Girl bonobo #2: That’s right ho, while you were sucking on a termite log, guess what I was doing?
Boy bonobo #1: I have an idea. Why don’t we all just take a brief field trip to pleasure town. Bygones!
Also, when I was on YouTube today looking for videos of bonobos having conflict-resolution sex (dear lord I hope no one checks my web history), I happened upon my new best friend. His name is Teco and he is my homeboy because he loves mischief making and nap taking equally. Feast your eyes on this:
Here are some more primates worth losing your marbles over.
And finally, a personal favorite, the Japanese “snow monkeys,” who literally take hot baths all day long. Because they can.