Ay dios Mio. It’s barely February and the boner patrol is out in full force. You can’t swing a d without being swamped with a mob of marketing ploys loaded with “What are you getting that idiot in your life for V-day?” Curated romantic shopping lists, rose-colored banner ads, K-Y commercials running in the middle of the 6pm local news! I can hear it now… Mommy, why is it raining Trojans?
I’m not saying Valentines Day is bad. I’m saying its the damn dumbest. The only good thing about February 14th is that I have an excuse to wear a pink shift dress before Spring and people can’t say shit. Back when I was on the monogamy train, I used the holiday as an excuse to rub my man success in the faces of those single
frenemies friends who annoyed me. Yeah yeah I’m evil blahbity blah. But now the tables have turned and I’m back to randomly screaming LIAR as happy couples walk past.
Speaking of Liars…
I say we should view Valentines Day like your 30th birthday, the idea of the Patriots winning on Sunday, Gaga’s hidden wangis, and Snooki’s tum tum: let’s just not acknowledge it.
And some more liars…
And last but certainly not least, my girl Darryl SPLASH! WALL STREET! Hannah in a wise-beyond her years polka dot one piece with John John himself in the dirty south that is South Cackalack:
A Kennedy and a one-piece, preaaaach!