Eastbound and Diggity Down for my girl Cady Heron. She’s leaving her neighbors like RDJ, Sookeh, and Bill, and has indicated she’s ready to come back to New York. Her plans? To settle in with Linda, Larry, and the shmoops for some detox and hummus. Everybody wins! Her neighbors can sleep in peace, Samantha can find a hump piece that actually likes ladies, and New York has their favorite fuego treasure trove restored to them somewhere in Nolita, slinging mischief and flashing chach.
According to our sources…
Lindsay Lohan’s neighbors are thrilled that the actress has moved out of their Venice Beach neighborhood, reports say.
“Everyone is ecstatic that she moved,” one resident tells Radar Online. “Goodbye to her and all her drama. Since she moved here it’s been a complete circus with a revolving door of friends in and out of her house and paparazzi camped out permanently. Everyone was so sick of her.”
Another neighbor was even less sympathetic to the star, who has had legal troubles for years.
“Seriously, every time we heard a siren we hoped and prayed it was the police carting her off again and we would be left in peace,” the neighbor said. “It was a nightmare when she was here … [Samantha Ronson] has lived here for ages and she’s never been any drama, she’s very low key and just goes about her business, but Lohan was like a hurricane, or some other natural disaster tearing through the neighborhood.”
What douchenozzles these former neighbors are. Have a heart, hippies. You probably had the greatest living female entertainer of our time living a hop skip and a sniff away from you. Now she’s banished to the starf*cker emporium that is the Chateau Marmont. What she SHOULD do in the interim prior to the journey east is shack up with Askars, Darren Criss, and/or RON WEASLEY ( a.k.a.Rupert “I was among the first idiots to get Swine Flu” Grint) at Shutters on the Beach, just down the way on Pico in Santa Monica. That way we can get our
freckletan on in a more wholesome venue. She can give me the deets on Sherrif Northman’s performance and Darren’s true peen feelings, while we borrow some whippits from Demi and throw rocks at seagulls.