According to Katy, I’m a liar. Not because I embellish the truth or fabricate stories or live in some kind of babygirl-esque fantasy world, but because I had the good fortune of having a best friend who had a single cousin who was into beer-guzzling ragamuffin girls prone to drastic mood swings.
Never underestimate the fine art of the shidduch, my friends. Stick to Jewish geography and you will go far.
Nevertheless, I haven’t always been a liar. There was a time not long ago when I was as single as they come, when I would have been happy to celebrate the births of Florence Henderson, Jimmy Hoffa, and Mayor Bloomberg on February 14th just to escape the travails of eating my feelings (in the form of a Pointersaurus) while watching Jane Austen movies in my dorm room.
Thus, with 23 long and storied years of experience under my belt, I’ve concocted a few situational how-to’s below. Got a boyfriend? Congrats, betch. Now don’t screw it up by over-dramatizing a glorified hallmark holiday. This isn’t Love Actually. Single? Avoid the pity parties and toast to your independent womanhood. Somewhere in between? I’ve been there, girlfriend. Two words: tread lightly.
Singles Awareness Day
a) The #1 rule of being single is that a gay husband is absolutely mandatory. Gay husbands are the best – they have better style than your girlfriends, they always have the best gossip, they’re very often better looking than any straight guy you’ll ever land, they’ll happily watch Say Yes to the Dress with you, and they make great Valentine’s Day dates!
b) Still harboring sad/angry/self-loathing thoughts from your last relationship? Burn something in effigy. Burning things feels good ALWAYS. So does hating men who have wronged you. Remember that scene in Clueless where Tai burns all her Elton mementos? Let it happen.
b) If you have yet to secure your requisite gay husband, (understandable – they get snapped up quickly) go ahead and do the typical “let’s all go out to a fancy dinner and talk shit on all our other friends with boyfriends” group shebang. It’s a go-to for a reason. Korean barbeque works well, followed by a night at the local karaoke bar belting “You’re so Vain.”
“He’s pretty much my boyfriend but we haven’t had ‘the talk’ yet”
If I had a nickle for all the times I’ve uttered that phrase, I would be sunning myself in the Seychelles right now instead of sitting in a cubicle writing a blog. The only thing worse than really really really wanting the guy you’re hooking up with to make some kind of grand romantic gesture and call you his girlfriend is feeling that way when Valentine’s Day rolls around.
a) Do not, under any circumstances, assume that Valentine’s Day is going to impell him to make it official. It’s not. Ever. Once again, your life is not Love Actually, and you are not Hugh Grant’s zaftig secretary. Getting your hopes up will only make it more likely that you’ll get drunk and call him and force “the talk” and be rebuffed. Stand down.
b) If you are absolutely determined to nail it down and secure yourself a boyfriend-girlfriend situation in time for Valentine’s Day, I will say that my tried-and-true strategy has always been to act really nonchalant when they say they’re not ready for a relationship, and proceed to hook up with someone they know. If they really do like you, it will automatically result in a win. Nothing feels more glorious.
c) Get over it. Go out with somebody else.
I Got A Man.
As previously mentioned, I love winning. Victory comes in many forms: dominating color war (love you Em), making school your biatch, being a Yankee fan, looking fly when it counts, etc. etc. But to me, landing a full-bearded hottie Westchester Jew is the ultimate prize. What can I say, I get sentimental this time of year.
Here’s a fact for you: pre fixe Valentine’s Day dinners suck dingus. If you don’t know that, you’ve got problems. Luckily, alternatives abound:
a) Linda and Larry style: Meet up for lunch instead of dinner. No pre fixe menus, no dark, cheesy lighting. Fussy, finished. Plus, reservations are way easier to get, so you can go somewhere super dank.
b) Seek out no-reservations awesome spots that either skip the pre fixe stupidity altogether or have a pre fixe menu everyday anyway, so it’s already their forte. Case in point: Snags and I are planning on hitting up Little Serow on Tuesday. The wait is expected to be over an hour, so we’ll just enjoy some loved-up cocktails in the neighb while we wait.
c) Pull a Feinberg and reschedule the holiday on a day that works better for you. That way, you can do Valentine’s Day over the weekend when you won’t be bedraggled from work, and again, no ridiculous special set menus.
d) Make an awesome dinner at home and save your money for PRESENTS! If you’re not Katy, swing by Whole Foods and pick up a couple of lobsters to steam. They’re easy, they’re the most delicious things ever, and they’re aphrodisiacs. Done and done.