I’m going to make pee pee in my pants and speak in an unusually high-pitched, borderline insane baby voice because in a matter of days, my posse is coming to Cackalacky.
What’s the occasion? Just saving me from my leopard case of emotion and a much-needed escape from the mean streets of liar city. The ultimate Wartime Consiglieres, these fools have seen it all. Poo on windshields, axe effect-contaminanted shitshacks, Bobby Booby!, and time-sharing the Cabana.
Consider this a warning to the greater Triangle region: the following offender profiles are coming your way, so cover your ears and hide your Rent and Beaches soundtracks.
Provenance: West Village
Drink of Choice: Dirty Martini, Vodka Water
Signature Move: Finger-biting, leaning while buzzed
Weakness: Asian babies, DEALS!, Foot Injuries, the English language
Drink of Choice: Iced Coffee from the bagel store
Signature Move: Squirrel-like eat petting, Dips for Bites, Meerkat bobs
Weakness: Dogs, Goldens, Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy
Alias: Babu, Amster the Gangster, Stepmania
Drink of Choice: Bloody Mary
Signature Move: Screeching, Shaking what Ellen gave her
Weakness: Bindhi pimples, multi-tasking, Ugly people in restaurants
Alias: Tithead (TH) #2, Hartemaster Flex, Phil, Gloria
Provenance: Murray Hell
Drink of Choice: Vodka Soda
Signature Move: Baby Shark
Weakness: Unwanted advances due to rear “visibility,” Maternal Instincts, Pizzabagels
Leon and Emma Beezy, you will be missed. And just for good measure…