Let me begin with an addition to the Festivus glossary that will come in handy for all those not versed in the lexicon on hot messery:
1. The name of a demon.
2. A person (originally and chiefly a man or boy) of a ragged, dirty, and (frequently) disreputable appearance.
3. Brit. regional. The long-tailed tit, Aegithalos caudatus. Obs. rare.
I don’t remember when it first happened – maybe around the time I picked up the really awesome nickname “butterball” as per my proclivity for raw pats of Land o’ Lakes – but my family has called me a ragamuffin for as long as I can remember. Now I may be going out on a limb here, but I am going to make a leap of faith and assume that Linda and Larry don’t think I’m a demon or a “long-tailed tit.” I can’t say the same for Beezy or for Babygirl.
But I will not tell a lie. I do have a real knack for looking ragged, dirty, and disreputable when I don’t try and put my ass together in the morning, which is pretty much every Saturday and Sunday. You know that scene in Wet Hot where Andy really really really doesn’t want to clean up his dishes? Well that’s exactly how I feel about bathing, brushing my hair, putting on makeup, and wearing clean clothing.
That’s where Kevin Aucoin comes in. A long long time ago in a far off land I call 131 High Street, the Feinberg sisters joined the religious fanatic cult (probably founded by the Kardashians) that worships the holy aesthetician we call Kevin and holds sacred his two heavenly texts, Making Faces and Face Forward.
If it were not for the late, great Kevin (and strong Colombian coffee in the morning), I would be a ragamuffin 24/7, doomed to walk the earth bedraggled, bare-faced, and beastly. Thanks to Kev, I can transform myself into Marilyn, La Liz, Barbs, and any number of gay idols who knew how to put on great face. I also know to wiggle the mascara brush during application and that nothing matters more than a dab of highlighter on the cheekbones and the temples. Swoon.
Kevin could make Pigpen look like Saint Angie Jo using only mud and asbestos dust, so he never goes so far as to suggest specific beauty products in his books (especially since his own line didn’t arrive on the market until after they were published and he joined the great gay makeover party in the sky). Thus, allow me to go ahead and plug the goods without which I would have to wear a paper bag over my head:
- Nars Bronzing Powder in Laguna – Fact: If I had to choose three things to take with me to a deserted island, it would be my Nars bronzer, a lifetime supply of beer, and a bottle opener. (In the dead of February, layer the Nars shiz with some fairy dust from the Bobbi Brown Shimmer Brick Compact in Bronze.)
- Chanel Les 4 Ombres Quadra Eye Shadow in Mystic Eyes and Smoky Eyes (expensive, yes, but these are the only two eyeshadows you’ll ever need and they last forever)
- Benefit Benetint (for lips AND cheeks)
- Benefit High Beam (use Moon Beam if you have your skin has yellowish undertones)
- Anastasia Brow Pen
- Anastasia Brow Gel
- L’Oreal Voluminous Mascara
- L’Oreal Le Kohl eyeliner
- LORAC Couture Shine Liquid Lipstick in Haute (looks hot pink but it’s PERFECT)
- Benefit Full Finish Lipstick in Flirt Alert (best red lipstick hands down)