Being a Feinberg means being strapped to a never-ending emotional roller coaster akin to Apollo’s Chariot, that hell ride in Virginia where Fabio got his nose broken by a wayward bird and Linda almost blew chunks just so that my ass wouldn’t have to accompany Betsy “the dragon coaster isn’t that scary, Marge!” Feinberg. (Actually it IS that scary. Evil wench.)
You see, each Feinberg woman is captive to her own unique chemical imbalances in her own unique ways. For Beezus, that means going from yippy skippy Sally Homemaker one minute to Beer Tears McGee the next. Katy suffers from something I long ago termed “the lightswitch effect.” Sometimes, out of nowhere, her pupils will suddenly dilate, her crazy eyes will narrow in on you, and she may or may not try to claw your face off. If you’ve ever seen the Shining, you’ll know what I’m talking about.
I too am prone to serioso mood swings – perhaps even more so than my sisters – and I’m honestly not at all sorry about it. The fact of the matter is that there’s not much that can be done about it other than keeping me fed at all times.
When the crazytown express really leaves the station, though, there are a few steps that can be taken to mitigate the effects. For all ya’ll out there who can identify with wonky seratonin levels and hyper-irritability, I suggest trying the following fail-safe measures to soothe your tattered nerves when your brain starts computer malfunctioning.
1. Voluspa Candles. As previously mentioned 1 kadrillion times on this blog, Voluspa candles are made of scented crack cocaine and poodle pixie dust. If you have not already hauled ass to Anthro and bought yourself one for each flat surface in your home, kindly leave.
2. Enya’s Watermark. The quickest way to turn a brief downward mood swing into a more protracted case of the sads is by allowing yourself to listen to depressing music. I used to make this rookie mistake all.the.time in high school because I was a melodramatic little twit who liked to dredge up sympathy from my parents so that I could skip school on the reg. Now that I’m an old, wise, washed-up hag of 23, I know that moping out to Mad World is for frittatas and that only an Irish New Age songstress like Enya can reset my psycho dial to 0.
3. Ginger ale. While ginger ale is more commonly regarded as a cure for cases of the tummy rumbles and the perfect in-flight beverage, I am here to tell you that ginger ale is also nature’s gift to the moody. Suddenly feeling funky for no good reason at all? Pop a canada dry and let that bubbly gaiety wash over you. Getting snappish and got no one to blame but yourself? Sip on a Seagrams and watch that smile grow from ear to ear. Why do you think gingers are always so happy-go-lucky? Because their namesake beverage is actual giggle juice. It’s science.
4. Get a manicure. I’m going to say something that might come as a shock to some of you out there (particularly females of the Hebrew persuasion from the tri-state area), but it simply needs to be said: I’m not a fan of manicures. I almost never get them. And believe you me, it’s not because I have naturally beautiful hands – I have the grubbiest paws this side of Kathmandu. Always have, always will.
Honestly, there is so much beer and so much food I can procure with the money I save from leaving my fingers in their naturally disgusting state that I really couldn’t care less when I see strangers grimace at my horrific cuticles. I shoot them an “eat me” glare and move on.
But I’ll tell you what: On the eighth day, Yahweh created nail salons for moody chickenheads needing to blow off steam, air their grievances, and commiserate with other moody chickenheads. Pretty sure I learned that in Hebrew School. Sup TBS?!
P.S. I swear by Q West for anyone in the DC (Dupont) area. Great listeners.
5. MOMMY’S MEATLOAF. If you’re going to eat your feelings, do it right.
** Note: the Kanye Caps were not my doing. Clearly Linda feels very strongly about her loaf, and I don’t hate it.
Mom’s Meatloaf Recipe (from Silver Palate Cookbook)
3 lbs. Chopped meats including ground veal, pork, beef and/or turkey and sweet sausage
BRING MEAT TO ROOM TEMP. BUT DON’T LET IT GET WARM, WHILE PREPARING THE OTHER INGREDIENTS
PREHEAT OVEN TO 375
3 tbs butter
½ cup finely diced carrot
½ cup finely diced red, green or yellow pepper
½ cup finely chopped onions
1 cup chopped mushrooms (portobello or similar flavored mushroom) – OPTIONAL
1 tbs minced garlic
HEAT THE BUTTER IN A SKILLET UNTIL IT BEGINS TO FOAM
SAUTE THE VEGETABLES AND GARLIC AT MED/LOW TEMP FOR 10 MINUTES
REFRIGERATE THE VEGETABLE MIXTURE IN THE FREEZER FOR 10 MINUTES TO BRING DOWN THE TEMPERATURE TO ROOM TEMP.
1 cup Half & Half
1 cup ketchup
2 eggs beaten
MIX THESE INGREDIENTS TOGETHER AND ADD TO THE MEAT MIXTURE
ADD VEGETABLE MIXTURE TO THE MEAT MIXTURE
1 cup bread crumbs
1 tsp black pepper
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp salt
1 tsp cayenne pepper
½ tsp nutmeg
COMBINE THESE DRY INGREDIENTS AND ADD THEM TO THE MEAT MIXTURE
PUT THE MEAT MIXTURE IN A HIGH-SIDED OVEN DISH AND FORM INTO A LOAF
SHAPE – PLACE THE OVEN DISH IN A LARGER PAN WITH WATER HALF-WAY UP THE SIDE OF THE OVEN DISH (OR PUT A PAN OF WATER IN THE OVEN BELOW THE OVEN DISH)
BAKE THE MEATLOAF FOR 1 HOUR – CHECK AFTER 45 MINUTES FOR DONENESS:
MAKE A SMALL INCISION IN THE MIDDLE TO SEE IF THE MEAT IS COOKED OR IF IT IS STILL RED.
AFTER 1 HOUR CHECK FOR DONENESS EVERY 15 MINUTES. MEAT SHOULD NOT COOK FOR MORE THAN 1-1/2 HOURS.
CHECK MEATLOAF AFTER 45 MINUTES