I don’t watch that much boob tube (unlike certain Battlestar Gallactica fans I know -coughcough LindaandLarry coughcough). But there are a few small-screen gems that make paying my mortal enemies at Comcast close to $100 each month worthwhile: Jeopardy, House Hunters, Top Chef, True Blood, Eastbound, Mad Men, and yes… the Bachelor.
That’s right: each Monday evening, I give into my primal urge to watch in horrified amusement as a harem full of Planet Earth’s most gullible pharma reps – who think that Dignity is the name of an old, old wooden ship – travel only by helicopter and drop the words “journey,” “connection” and “fairytale” as if a behind-the-scenes producer is threatening to cut off their nonstop supply of Sauvignon Blanc if they dare have normal conversations or talk like real people. Which, come to think of it, there probably is.
Judging by my methodical research into the annals of Bachelor fandom, there was a lot of internet message board hatred on Season 16 of the program I fondly call Chris Harrison’s House ‘o Floozies (so much more apt, no?). But unless you’re a 38 year-old spinster living in Toledo whose ideal picture of romance involves sharing your “boyfriend” with a bunch of bottom-dwelling hoes wearing two-sizes-too-small Jessica McClintock dresses, then you ought to have realized that the shizstorm that was Ben Flajnick’s season was in every way superior to the mishegas that came before it.
Here, a pictorial representation of why. Though a picture may be worth a thousand words, these ones only need about a sentence’s worth:
“What’d you wear on your date today?”
“Oh, just my Gingerbread Man suit. The usual.”
International development: Hooker style
The most true-to-life moment in CHHOF history
And last but never least, the truth speaker of truth speakers: Courtney.
Courtney’s day job may be catalog modeling, but on the side I know she is really the President and Chief Executive of MENSA. She took shameless attention-seeking to levels never before seen by man, and I did not hate it one bit. She also said aloud every single thought that crossed my mind about the other girls while I watched the show. Exhibit A: This girl belongs in Seaside Heights. Exhibit B: This girl is a failed stripper turned Hookers waitress turned “VIP Cocktail Waitress” that no guy would want to take home to his mother.
Sucks for you girl-who-magically-appeared-halfway-through-the-season, Imma get my thunder stealin on!
Oops I’m naked!
“Be Nice” means “Eat Me” in Courtnese
I figured while you were in my hometown we could just tell the producers to suck it and get married now!
Okay I know I already covered this last one but it’s just priceless.