So basically winter didn’t happen this year, unless somehow I missed all the below-40 degree temperatures and/or frozen precipitation while I was sleeping until noon in my below-grade hovel every Saturday and Sunday. It’s plausible.
But more plausible is what I always tell Beezus when she keeps me up until 3AM picking my brain about all the ways the world could end in her lifetime: in addition to chemical/biological/nuclear warfare, global warming is upon us. If you didn’t look out your window last week when it was 80 degrees and sunny in the northeastern United States during the month of March, you have mental problems.
Even though global warming is kind of pleasant in the short term because it means that I’ll be able to enjoy Florida-like weather conditions year-round without all the geriatrics and swampfolk, I’m anti-icecapmeltage for three reasons:
- Not being able to accessorize with coats, scarves, fur, and pompoms would leave a void in my life that espadrilles and floppy hats could never sufficiently fill.
- LBI would not be as fun as a narrow sandbar that people swim to from Manahawkin.
- Animals look really cute when they play in the snow. Without freezing temperatures, we don’t get snow. Without snow, you will never again feel the way you’re about to feel when you feast your eyes upon the following tableau of oh-my-god-i-can’t!
Damn you Planet Earth, you get me every time!
And leading the parade as always, Mr. Walter Foot Foot Schmoopledidooooo!