Another pesach, another smashing good time at 80 Hollywood. Passover is my favorite holiday: the youngest child gets to reap all of the 4 questions glory while the oldest gets murked, plague style. Plus, anyone who doesn’t enjoy themselves some gefilte fish (the sweet and spongey meatloaf of the sea) is fundamentally misunderstanding the assignment.
Some highlights from this year’s Feinberg family seder:
1. Beezus went missing in action from approximately 3:30 AM Saturday morning until approximately 3:30 PM Saturday evening. Sometime in that window, she mysteriously turned into Anita from West Side Story and contracted a lingering stench of bile and old cheese.
2. Linda = tank-a-lanked.
3. Katy “meat paws” Feinberg made pre-brisket cornhole her biatch.
4. Uncle Jay and Patrick once again killed it with the floral arrangements, per below.
5. Upon spotting the afikomen during a mid-dinner date with the powder room, I re-hid it behind a radiator so that I and only I could find it when the time was right. No one thought it was funny, and I received zero financial reward.
6. TROUT BUTTER!!!!!
Stephen Feinberg has plenty of life accomplishments he can pat himself on the back for: wifeing up the greatest human alive, somehow retaining his sanity despite cohabitating with myself, Bezusita, and babygirl for over two decades, and effectively positioning Fergie (the duchess, not the meth face) as Weight Watchers’ spokesformerfatty in their longtime ad campaign.
But perfecting the greatest pre-dinner snack item in history has to be Sven’s #1 feat. Trout butter is kind of like the salty oceany version of hummus without the pungent and gaseous aftereffects. On an addictiveness scale of 1 to 10, where fake meat products are a 1 and pure crack cocaine is a 10, trout butter would come in at roughly a 28.
Because I’m just that generous, I’ve provided the (very easy) recipe for trout butter below, straight from the master himself. For passover, we spread this velvetty goodness on matzo and pretend to be good Jews. On all other nights, it’s best on Grille French Crisp Toasts.
Trout Butter ala Larry
In a food processor, crumble 1 whole smoked trout into smaller chunks with your fingers (opt for the de-boned, de-skinned version if possible).
Next, squeeze the juice of half a lemon over the trout and add two tablespoons of white horseradish.
Dice 1 chilled stick of good butter (we like Plugra) into cubes and add them to the mixture in the food processor.
Pulse everything together until you achieve your desired smoothness (some like it super creamy, others like it a bit chunkier – it’s up to you). If it seems too trouty, just add more butter until you get your preferred level of fishiness