Today we continue our crash course on the perfect long summer weekend visiting the magical land of summer camps, pine trees, lobster, meth labs, Wal-Mart super centers, and this:
If you live North of Philadelphia, your ass should not be flying to Maine. The road trip is approximately 41.7% of the fun.
A word to the wise: avoid I-95 until before you cross into New Hampshire. Eastern Connecticut drivers handle their cars about as well as a moose on quaaludes (see above).
Anyone who knows anything about anything – Linda, Larry, Snags, other legit people – uses the following fail-safe route. [Click “view larger map” to see step-by-step directions coming from the Upper East Side.]
For all its natural beauty, Maine is an easy-as-pie place to wind up in a Shining-esque, creeper-filled Roach Motel. So don’t cheap out and think that some Econo Lodge in Scarborough is going to look just like its pictures on Hotels.com. Just book yourself a room at the Holiday Inn by the Bay in Portland and skip the bedbugs.
First of all, the H.I.B.T.B. is perfectly located for stumbling home from the surprisingly rowdy bar scene in downtown Portland.
Second of all, H.I.B.T.B. is a favorite of salty Mainer bachelors and bachelorettes looking to go buckwild before the big day. That makes the hotel bar, Port of Call, a hilarious shitshow come 2 AM on a Saturday. If you were wondering if we sipped champagne and befriended former heroine addicts the last time we were there, you wondered correctly.
Third of all, there is a graveyard shift desk clerk named Matt who works at the Holiday Inn by the Bay. Last year, Matt sold me and my friends a bag of lies, and we told him so. (Something to do with a cot, leaking drainage pipes, and a fully booked hotel.) After we berated him until 4 in the morning, Matt realized the error of his ways and finagled a way for us to be upgraded to the presidential suite and get most of our dinero refunded.
So go to the Holiday Inn by the Bay and tell Matt that Captain Muffy sent you. You won’t regret it.
In the next installment of Mainly I do like Maine: how to whip your hair around at Maine’s hottest club without getting a neck spasm, what to do when you have an inch-wide splinter in your foot and there are no medical professionals at your boat rental company, and how to maximize the amount of crustacean you can consume in a 36 hour span.