Over at sorryiamnotsorry (“never apologize for being fabulous”) our girl K has a post entitled The 10 Commandments of Online Dating. This got me thinking about my own lessons learned from time spent on Match.com. Yes, I am on Match. Guess what? So is every other single person you know. That or jdate, or OKCupid. I skipped jdate – too many 5’9″ shmeeblers with entitlement issues. And OKCupid being free opens it up to way more hobos, creepers, and womanizers. Nopity nope.
Being on a dating site is just a natural part of being single these days. And surprisingly enough, it actually works for some people. I know 3 girls who found their “match” this way, one of them is now married. Crazy.
Although I’m still searching, I think I’ve gotten the system down pat. Here are my own commandments for success in the meat market of online dating:
The magic number is 7-8. Any less and it looks like you’re trying to hide something. Any more and you’re narcissistic. There has to be a good range: one close up on the face, a couple full body, one dressed up, and also dressed down, at least one “action shot” (skiing pics are annoying, anything but), and NO bikini pics. For example:
2. BE BRIEF, BE WITTY
Nine times out of 10, here’s what people write: “I love my job, I LOVE to travel, I looove my family, I love love love my friends, but I’m looking for that special someone. To travel with.” PEOPLE, GET A GRIP! No shit you like to travel. Who doesn’t?? My advice? Skip all of this, even if it’s true. Focus on something, even if it’s one thing, that makes you interesting. And keep it short. Everyone’s focusing on the pictures anyway. Here’s my 10-second blurb:
I have it on good authority that a lot of profiles start to look the same after a while (fun, smart, like to travel, love my family, etc. etc.). In an effort to stray from the pack, here’s a few things you might not read that often:
• Yes, that is a gun in my profile pic. I learned marksmanship at camp and love skeet shooting (but no, I am not a card-carrying member of the NRA).
• I’m kind of a dog-whisperer. I don’t know why, but they really, really like me.
• I love bullet points.
• The League is the funniest show on TV. Fact.
• I’m a really good, really fast driver. Never go below 70 on the highway and haven’t gotten a ticket yet!
• I want to be in a relationship. I know you’re supposed to play it cool, but I’d rather be honest.
• I saw a Talking Heads tribute band at Brooklyn Bowl last year and it totally rocked my world. This Must be the Band – they’re awesome.
• Dolphins freak me out. They like children and can detect pregnancy. Weird.
• I make the world’s best guacamole. I organized a “Guac Off” at my office just to silence the opposition and obviously won.
• Just turned 29 and plan on making the last year in my twenties the best one yet!
So that’s me, or at least the start of it. Drop me a line if you want to know more . . .
3. READ THE PROFILES
This part is key. You learn a lot about someone’s disposition and sense of humor from their ability to construct a coherent sentence. I love sarcasm. If the profile isn’t tinged with at least some nugget of irony or sarcasm, that person probably isn’t for me. If you want a sweetie pie, look for simple, direct, and plain spoken.
4. WORK HARD, PLAY HARD
If you see these words in a guy’s profile, DUH-lete. He is an i-banker and he’s on the site to fill up his rotation.
5. EMAIL EXCHANGES ARE WACK
I have to agree with sorryiamnotsorry on this one. A witty repartee over email does not chemistry make. I’ve had numerous instances where weeks of flirtatious correspondence have resulted in the flimsiest chemistry imaginable. A couple back and forths, establish mutual interests, set a night for a drink. The point of this is to set up dates, not establish a love connection over the internets.
6. READ A BOOK BY ITS COVER
Fact of the matter: it’s ok to be a little superficial. Don’t go crazy and only email the Mr. Hots. They won’t email you back. I’ve talked to fellow attractive females, we don’t know who these guys are actually talking to. But don’t reply to people if you have a gut feeling you just won’t be attracted to them. There’s being open-minded, and there’s being physically repulsed. Try to find a happy medium.
7. DON’T WINK
Just don’t. It’s lame. Send a message like a normal human.
And that’s all I got. Bonne chance!