The one upside to a lifetime of getting into trouble is mastering the art of crisis management.
For legal reasons, I cannot disclose the full array of service offerings my company boasts to our many fabulous clients. Read: I don’t want to get canned. Linda didn’t raise no fool. But I can tell you that a good chunk of what I do for a living involves talking people out of a jam.
Because I’m feeling generous, Babygirl is going to share some of her professional insight with you all that extends beyond the office and into your everyday life.
Let these examples of my BS mastery be further proof of my dominance over the teenage haters, critics, and nemesis. Go scissor a tree. Nice hair.
Back to the goods. Here are some helpful scenarios and tips:
Rule #1 : Never say “no comment.” Immediatly lets people know that something is fishy, basically an assumption of guilt.
Rule #2: Don’t call people out by name. Allude to the person in question, and bring it back to some kind of all in this together, family, group mentality.
Rule #3: Don’t lie. This will just give you more work to do, and you never want to backpeddle. If you don’t know something or want to keep it locked up, say you’ll get back to them. “The coverup is always worse than the lie itself.” – Stephen Feinberg
Rule #4: Talk in 3s. Make 3 short, effective points in your response and that’s it. Don’t ramble, stick to the script.
Rule #5: Accentuate the positive.
Need some examples?
- Is it true that your former employee was caught using company software to look at grpahic photos of Channing Tatum’s taint?
Company XYZ prides itself in recruiting a diverse and talented workforce. It is our policy that all internal matters are thoroughly investigated and handled with privacy and concern for all involved.
- Where is your sister?
____ is a responsible, able-bodied young woman. I am confident that we will hear from her shortly and will keep you posted as more information is made available.
- When is that report going to be finished?
I am excited to be working on such a significant deliverable for our client and am eager to add in the finishing touches by COB. I look forward to receiving your feedback.
- What do you have to say about your ex-boyfriend’s decision to be a life-ruiner/waste of your early 20’s/ choice in rebounds/impending nupitals?
____ is a fine human being and I wish him all the best in his journey to find happiness and fulfillment.
…And if you haven’t already discovered the genius that is Alan Cumming, check out his most recent gig on The Good Wife as Crisis Communications expert, Eli Gold: