Every family has its own arsenal of favorite obscure movies. Most of the Feinberg go-to’s are generally well-regarded even if they aren’t exactly household names: Big Business, Spinal Tap, Moonstruck, The Feinbergs go to Disneyworld Parts I &II etc etc et. al. yada yada.
But if there’s one little-known cinematic gem that deserves our familial plug, it’s got to be Dangerous Beauty. Give us some busty period costumes, sassy lead female characters, plenty of unnecessary nudity, and a bunch of wacky drunk Italians inexplicably speaking in English accents… and you’ve got a winner in our book. Oh, and it’s based on real-life events. Hellllloooo!
A brief synopsis, as obviously the puritans on IMDB didn’t even come close to capturing the “scandalous love story” promised in the above (epic) movie poster:
In 1570’s Venice, handsome rich guys like Marco were not allowed to marry teenage ginger hotties like Veronica no matter how much they enjoyed stolen alleyway makeout seshes. Instead, the Marco’s of the world had to hitch their wagons to prude boring dumb dumbs like Naomi Watts.
Meanwhile, destitute daywalkers like Veronica got pushed into the trick-turning business by their own mothers (played by Jaqueline Bisset…. amazing). Oh, and sometime in between their hanky panky appointments with the Fat Slobbery Church Guy and the Rich Cripple with the Nasty Feet, they found the time to become celebrated published poets.
But a little thing like arranged marriage could never fan the flames of a passionate love like Marco and Veronica’s, so they continue to get their very explicit sexy times on — free of charge — despite a calamitous chain of events (the bubonic plague, the Inquisition, a particularly grueling poetry slam-turned-sword fight).
And then – just when you think that Oliver Platt is finally going to condemn Veronica’s expensive hooker ways to the fires of eternal damnation, that sly sassafrass gets off (ha!) on the technicality that basically every single person in Venice partook in her services and is therefore equally guilty.
Moral of the story: Netflix Dangerous Beauty post haste so that you too can learn the Latin for “banana.”