On the Festivus, every day is Mother’s Day. Why? Because Linda is a goddess among mere mortals and we like to tell her that (a lot).
But this Sunday, we will join the rest of the Hallmark States of Amurica in honoring thy madre with tokens of our undying love and appreciation for the woman who birthed us, washed our mouths out with soap, placed post-keg trash cans next to our beds, refilled our checking accounts in times of need, and put up with 29 years worth of wacky reality television-worthy antics that would send any other mother straight to the loony bin. WHATTTA LADY!
Below, our two cardinal rules for showing Linda the love over at 80 Hollywood Drive:
1) Homemade card.
Remember being a little kid and making your mother’s day card at school using crayons and a shiz ton of glitter? Yeah, we still do that.
On all other holidays, buying a snarky card and thinking up a good one-liner to scrawl inside suffices. Not on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. It’s kind of like, “Hey, we made you. The least you can make us is a goddamn arts-and-crafts project.” Point taken.
Just be sure to strike the right balance of funny and heartfelt. Too much hardy har har and you’re missing the point of the holiday. Too much touchy feely and you’re making people feel uncomfortable.
Since it’s too early to divulge the card I’m giving Linda this year, here are a couple of cards I’ve made for Sven in the past year:
2) Breakfast in bed.
If your mom is anything like ours (as I hope for your sake she is), then she loves nothing more than to lounge in her bedroom wearing her pajamas listening to Irish fiddle music and reading Elizabethan historical fiction until around 4pm each Sunday.
Thus, do not torture her by dragging her out to brunch (*shudder*) on Sunday. It’s just mean. Let the woman stay in bed while you whip up a scrumptious smorgas for her. Her feast MUST be served on a tray and should include the following items:
- Coffee (no Feinberg can carry on conversations before noon without it)
- Fresh-squeezed orange juice
- A nice bowl of freshly sliced fruits and berries
- Slow-cooked scrambled eggs with creme fraiche and tarragon
- Hash browns ala Linda, per below