I love to travel. Aside from talking shit, boozing, and doing crossword puzzles, it ranks among my favorite pastimes.
I love to travel so much that in college, I chose International Studies as my major thinking I would get to go on cushy vacations to all sorts of first-world countries. Alas, it turns out that writing twenty-page papers on bureaucratic foreign political systems is not nearly as fun as sipping Pinot and wearing cute outfits in charmant European cafes.
Lord knows I learned a shiz ton more during my actual travels than I ever did in British History: 1788 – 1860. So to save everyone else the bother, I’ve strung my very own necklace of wisdom pearls for your own edification below. That way, you can major in engineering before this happens:
1) Use indoor voices. Especially among former commies.
True fact: within 24 hours of arriving in Prague circa April 2009, I got kicked in the shins and punched in the eyeballs by angry Soviets. Why, you ask? Because I am an obnoxious loud-mouth American and I have zero shame about it. Apparently that doesn’t play too well over there, so go ahead and zip it.
2) Steer clear of foreign dudes.
They’re creepers. Across the goddamn board. I don’t care what kind of cockamamy fantasy you may have concocted about meeting some dreamy guy with an accent and waxed eyebrows. It’s a 100% no-go. This is not a Mary Kate and Ashley movie.
3) Don’t fly Ryanair.
First of all, air travel is not something you eff around with. If I’m going to die in a hellfire in the sky, I don’t want to do it while listening to promos for sketchy Roman discoteques and clove cigarettes. Secondly, Ryanair’s “airports” are actually tiny tarmacs in various far-flung armpits of rural Europe. You will thank me when you don’t have to wake up at 4:00 AM to take a 25-euro bus out to a place called Beauvais just to catch a flight on which you’ll have to pay to pee.
4) Do not challenge Eastern European bartenders to feats of heavy lifting.
They will murk you.
5) Always. Be. Airconditioned.
I don’t care if you’re traveling to Siberia in the dead of effing winter. You just never know these days, people. No AC, no likey.