If The Bachelor is more aptly called Chris Harrison’s House o’ Floozies, then The Bachelorette has to be Chris Harrison’s House o’ Creepers.
**Runners-up included Chris Harrison’s House o’ Greasy Cabana Boys and Chris Harrison’s House o’ Dudes who are Allergic to Shirts. I went with the pithier option, natch.
I’ll be honest here: I prefer watching House o’ Floozies to House o’ Creepers. But HoC works as a tolerable stand-in while the producers over at ABC are busy scouring every dental hygienist training program in America to find the 25 girls with the largest collections of circa-1997 Caché prom gowns and the highest number of immediate family members who have met untimely deaths.
But before I get started on our HoC topic of the week (hint: it grows on your head and it’s made of dead skin cells), there is one pressing matter that must be addressed. And that matter is Emily Maynard’s dental situation.
When I was watching the Bachelorette this week, I said to myself, “Margaret, it’s time to focus on the nuanced, intellectual dialogue and the totally original story lines in this serial work of artistry.” But as hard as I tried, all I could think about were THOSE TEETH!
Behold the wonders of modern cosmetic dentistry:
Emily Maynard in her 2004 senior class photo (yes, 2004):
Emily Maynard with what may or may not be dentures:
Phew! Now that we have that burning issue out of the way, we can turn our full attention to the follicular situations of a number of this season’s suitors.
I am of the school of thinking that men should keep their hair short and simple. Like G.I. Joe short and simple. If you’re a good-looking guy, futzing with your hair is only going to distract from the gifts bestowed upon you by your parents’ comingled DNA strands. If you’re fugs, you’re only going to make yourself fuglier. Lay off the goddamn pomade.
While Bachelorette contestants on the whole tend to spend about 3 hours too many sculpting waves and flicks onto their domepieces, these looks really stole the show on Monday:
Since Ryan’s ‘do offended me the most and the above picture makes it look suspiciously normal, here it is again:
Take a moment – breathe. It’s going to be okay. We’ll get through this together.
….Until next week!