Calling shows like The Bachelorette “reality” television is one thing. Clearly it’s about as close to reality as Emily Maynard’s dentures are to real teeth.
But this season the ragtag band of jokers who call themselves producers over at ABC have gone too damn far.
Let’s all get something straight. In REAL life, no well-adjusted man under the age of 35 is down with a girl (no matter how uniformly-sized and pearly white her chompers may be) who:
- Has a kid with the same name as her ex-fiancee who died in a tragic plane crash (I’m not the only one who calls her daughter Ricky Bobby, right?)
- Forces you to bake cookies for said kid instead of going sky diving/base jumping/scuba diving as is expected on The Bachelorette
- Talks ad nauseum about how her #1 priority in life is to make minivan upon minivan upon minivan of BABIES!!! and how she will drop your ass faster than you can say “vasectomy” if you’re not down with procreating the minute the door to the fantasy suite closes.
There is only one contestant this season and one contestant only who I truly believe is down for filling up tons of Mercury Villagers with gender-neutrally named behbehs, and that contestant is sweat-tastic single dad Tony.
Why? For one thing, he’s fugs (photoshop did wonders in this picture) and casually throws around words like “slacks.” Also, he already has behbeh-baggage of his own, so what’s 17 more?
Which brings me to my next subject: contestants who make it farther than they ought to on the Bachelor/Bachelorette because the producers want them there for added drama.
Lord knows there were a select handful of dudes in that original harem of oiled-up insurance brokers that gave Emily Maynard a good old-fashioned lady boner. The rest, however, didn’t stand a chance in tract mansion hell. But ABC has cash money to make, and so they convince these sorry souls to stick around so we can all watch them crash and burn in the fires of unrequited pretend-love. If you’re into free helicopter rides, public humiliation, and white wine, it’s actually a pretty sweet deal.
Other than Tony, my favorite guy with absolutely no shot at putting a ring on it this season is Stevie.
Two things I’m almost positive about when it comes to Stevie:
1) He is actually the one and only hairless wonder of Myrtle Beach, Stevie Janowski, after some brand new eyebrow stick-ons and a little time at the gym.
2) He may have showed me how to correctly Electric Slide on more than one occasion at Bar/Bat Mitzvahs across the New York/New Jersey metropolitan area. He may have also gifted me with a blow-up guitar or two.
You’ll always be a winner in my book, Stevie!