Most importantly…I started reading 50 Shades of Grey. Holy. Shit.
Every suburban mother has this masterpiece stashed in her Longchamp by now, but Babygirl has had this work of art on Amazon backorder since March Madness. That’s right, Mr. Grey has been sitting on my bedside table next to the Benadryl and faux topiary gathering dust.
Well obvi, I first had to first finish the most recent Sookie book, which was an epic failure by my girl Charaline and as Betsy can atest, upon completion of this mess I threw it onto my Chard-stained living room floor and proceeded to do a Riverdance jig on its smashed-open cover. What filth. What blasphemy! * SOOKEH SPOILER ALERT * If dumb dumb southern Tits McGee winds up with that mangey quasi-Ginger bartender (Sam) which is where I think this saga is headed, I’m going to light myself on fire. Seriously. I’m going to pull a Lisa Left-Eye (RIP) and torch this mother in effigy. Sookie winding up with Sam is like Miss Piggy marrying Tinky Winky the Teletubby. I mean, c’mon now. First Charlaine went and removed Vampire Beeeehl from the equation for being a LIAR, that took a few weeks to get over. Then as the books moved along through shiteous plotlines about fairies and whack-ass Vin Diesel Tigers and bewitched hayseeds chugging Mountain Dew, Charlaine’s now hinting at getting rid of Eric’s Swedish chiseled abs train from Ms. Stackhouse’s tweety bird – nightshirt-wearing heap of undying love. Needless to say, the Sookie Stackhouse books are failing me.
Enter Plan B. Just like I’ve been tediously trying to squirrel away monz for the upcoming Last Train to
Clusterfuck Paris Feinberg Family Tour, I’ve been patiently waiting (like 50 Cent) to skim the pages of the 50 Shades of Grey humpity bump-n-grind odyssey until I was vulnerable enough to need a distraction.
The time has come.
I’m barely 200 pages deep and although Beezus thinks she covered this topic already for you blogreaders, let me just say that apart from grossing out Larry, Paula Abdul 2.0 left out one of the most important pieces of subtext from current hulabaloo surrounding this Mommy Porn phenom: it’s going to be a movie and Grey is going to be someone reaaaaaaal hot.
Rumored options include:
And as if on cue from the Lord above, in some kind of act of kindness and compensation for Charlaine Harris/Alan Ball’s epic failure in nakeifying him to the fullest… Hollywood suits are rumored to be considering none other than…
In a perfect world. Askars would be Grey and I would be Ana and Lilo would be Kate. Alas, the more likely situation is that they’ll cast some terrible rando or cringe-worthy, possible Vamp-related young ingenue like (shudder!) Kristen Stewart, Nina Dobrov, OR go real big with f-ing Carey Mulligan or Rooney Mara. I will cry if that happens. But maybe we’ll all get lucky and they’ll tap someone worthy to fake-mattress dance with this Swedish meat stick like. My picks for the non-annoying Ana options: