When I say that Chief Justice John Roberts is the last man on earth upon whom I ever expected to bestow Wayne and Garth’s highest accolade, I mean it. The guy grins like a pedo in the changing room at your local public pool and has the politics of a puritanical nutso who got chryogenically frozen before the civil rights era and woke up a few years ago to find Pfizer stuffing hundred dollar bills in the pockets of his hitched-up pleated trousers.
But I guess somewhere in the world Babe grew wings and turned into a porcine 747 today, because the man is officially my new hero.
Okay, so I may have been on not one but two medical insurance plans for the last two years of my life and the only pre-existing conditions I suffer from are post-yum in the tum narcolepsy, pteromerhanophobia, and flat feet. But there’s something in Obamacare for all of us, y’all! Being covered by Linda’s legit government plan until I’m 26? Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.
AnyCobracansuckit, I thought I would celebrate the occasion of Justice Roberts’s conversion to the side of people-who-aren’t-dickholes by compiling a list of fun facts you may not have known about the Supreme Court’s very own Severus Snape. Enjoy!
1) Children of the Corn was based on the Roberts kids. Also, John’s wife likes to dress up like Wednesday Adams when striking a pose in family portraits. Then again, who doesn’t?
2) John Roberts and Carol Channing = BFFAEAEAEAEAE.
3) Speaking of musical theater, a young John Roberts once stole the show in his high school’s rendition of You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown. His role? Crusading lezzie Peppermint Patty. I would fork over a lifetime’s worth of health insurance just to see Justice John coo “poor sweet baby” (per below) to whatever cunning thespian snagged the role of Chuck.
4) While we’re on the topic of John’s high school days, did you know that one of his earliest opinions skewered his all-male Catholic school for admitting ladiez into the classroom? I mean really – could the guy have ever gotten into Harvard with a bunch of Catholic schoolgirls running around willy nilly? Ish don’t think so.
Also, no one can take Peppermint Patty away from John. Not even Brit.
5) And finally, I’m sad to say that JR’s Obamacare swing vote will have to go down as his second most groundbreaking decision of all time. Because nothing – and I mean nothing – can overtake that time he sided with the cops who cuffed, interrogated, and booked a 12 year-old girl for mowing face on a single french fry while riding the Metro.