I got 99 problems and Sookie Stackhouse is at the top of my list, right above self tanner stains and inhaler-necessary ozone levels.
Last night proved once again that the bungusholes over at HBO really want to punish me, not in a Christian go get the Flogger kind of way, but more like in a Girl with the Dragon Tatoo kind of way. Throw this Jew down the well and put the lotion on its skin because Trueblood has become the nightmare I cannot escape. Just when you think shit is finally going to go our way and we’ll finally see some ravaging, Alan Ball farts out some nonsensical culturally significant garbage.
Now that’s some Merlotte’s shiz. Back to the evidence of terribleness:
Example #1: Tara and Jessica bond over being scared new slutty vampire babies jacked up on some mystical Lillith mojo. These two skanks seem to be almost bordering on funny camraderie with the whole “It gets better” undertone (head nod of respect) but THEN of course Hoyt the Douchedumpling tries to get nibbled by Tara in the potty and the ginger vamp obvi goes psychoballs on Tara the corset-wearing idiot. At least she’s out of that godforsaken denim ensemble.
Example #2: Jason and Andy try and recap their fairy experience and discover that Sam’s shifter nakey friends got merked. Whoopity doo, as usual Sam’s lame ass can’t catch a damn break and as could be expected while Jason is soul-searching and having weird flashbacks of his dead hayseed parents when he SHOULD be showering with half of LSU’s Tridelt pledge class. Why oh WHY is Andy Bellefleur the only one we see in his GD birthday suit every f-ing episode so far???? Keep your pants on and tell Deputy Jason there’s a suspected robbery in Durham that needs his attention. Giggity.
and most importantly…
Example #3: Sookie cock blocks herself with the wolfiest piece of Man Meat this side of the Mississippi. Also, what kind of heroine fails to capitalize on not one, but THREE of her paramours all up in her boudouir? I haven’t screamed at the TV like that since Blaine made out with Rachel on Glee. Neither here nor there…Anywhodippitydo, I’ve seen plenty of drunk morons in my day but I’m pretty sure women everywhere are angry with the Sookster for cutting the magic short with Alcide. 1. IF you’re gonna vom in front of a guy, on his Timbs, or in his loft, at least pull a Feinberg and buy him monogramed Pottery Barn sheets. 2. Boot and Rally does NOT mean throw your hair in a wonky braid and go search for a spine-eating vamper in a terrifying abandoned nuthouse a la Ghosthunters after you puke. Throw some baby powder on the weave, gargle some mouthwash, and get your shit together for round dos. And honestly, if Eric, Bill, and Alcide are all in one room arguing and acting all aggressive, don’t laugh like a hyena you gap-toothed excuse for a southern belle. Cherish the moment and go to town. What an ingrate.