One downside of being willfully unemployed is that it makes the whole “expensive taste” thing hard to maintain. If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, then just call me Josie Grossy and sign me up for MeetUp.
The list of luxuries I have shelved pending my post-MBA world domination could fill an entire roll of the extra soft Charmin I can no longer afford to wipe my tushy with, so I won’t bore you with the sad-but-true details. What I will say is that these last few months have taught me that being poor as dirt makes traveling a real pain in the bungus.
You see, money = convenience. And convenience = you don’t feel like you are going to spontaneously combust ala some True Blood true death shiz because you’ve been camped out on I-95 for two straight hours without having added a single tick to the old odometer.
Thus, the transitive property of munz = the bigger your bank account, the less you feel like makin’ it rain internal organs on the interstate.
Let my odyssey of endless traffic this past weekend stand as a lesson to all you fellow hood rich hussies out there:
1) Don’t take Megabus. Ever. I don’t care if they pay YOU to ride on one of their double decker Hades-on-Wheels. Walk up the Eastern seaboard for all I care. Or, just take DC2NY, which (to my knowledge) never stops in Jersey for an entire hour to switch drivers.
2) Never let your oldest sister con you into a bumper-to-bumper tour-de-not-yet-gentrified-Brooklyn, including a “Do you want to see my basement?” brush with horrific death and a badly botched, never consummated consolation lunch at Di Fara.
3) Avoid gorging yourself on shellfish directly before embarking on a 6 hour road trip.
4) When stuck in gridlock in Waterbury, CT for the forseeable future, play a little game I like to call “What would you do to be moving at 80 miles per hour right now?” For example, I said that I would pipe putrid, hot halitosis breath through the A/C system instead of normal air if it meant I could not be stuck in traffic anymore.
5) Get a job so you can fly/train/yacht from destination to destination.
Guess I should get to work on that last one…