Here are some of the latest things that take me from 0 to Cersei-Lannister-on-bath-salts in under a minute:
Ramen/Pho: How this became a foodie sensation is beyond me. Ramen is the shiz you eat in college when you left your debit card at the bar and are too mortified to show your face after a busted-up-Coyote-Ugly routine. Paying $15 for soupy shiz noodles is a crime against nature.
Rompers: Unless you’re the lucky SOB Jenna Dewan (sorry, Beezus) and your bod is on fleek, these are a hot camel toe mess for just about errrrybody. Anything that requires full nudity everytime you tinkle is a hard pass.
Trendy Birkenstocks: The Grateful Dead had their last rodeo, can’t they make these hippie slippers bow out too?
Tinder: I can’t. Either it’s an albino foot fetishist, my neighbor from down the hall, or this guy. There’s just too many pictures I can’t un-see. Bottom line? ChristianMingle is looking more appealing by the minute.
Tourists: Please walk faster. I am either going to get arrested or knock down a Hungarian midget if I “accidentally” swing my pocketbook in effigy one more time.
Brooklyn: As God as my witness, I’ll never go back there again. I took a sworn oath upon my arrival back here that I’d avoid this bearded hellhole like culottes or Sam’s Club. It’s still annoying and self-righteous. I will refrain from future visits except for maybe the properly douchey Williamsburg. BK Bowl is safe. So is Reynard.
Soul Cycle: BIKES. ARE. THE.DEVIL.
Montauk: LBI, Heaven. Sag Harbor, good. Fire Island, hilarious. MTK? If your best bar options are dubbed “Swallow,” “Liars,” and “Sloppy Tuna,” you’re doing something wrong. Non-ironic jorts and running into college enemies at Rushmeyers isn’t worth 3 hours of traffic.
Bernie Sanders: Good luck you old coot. How dare you challenge Khaleesi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!