I say crazy things. I’m not saying Amy Schumer robbed me BLIND, but I’m not disagreeing with those conspiracy theorists who assume I’m ghostwriting all of her content. She wishes.
But before you get too balls deep into some of the nuanced Feinberg-ese oozing out of these posts like the red goo in Ghostbusters 2, here’s a run down of my more offensive, most commonly used buzz words and phrases:
Bless your heart; Eat dirt.
Bye Bye; Bob Durst sign-off. Use Brooklyn Jewish accent circa ’78.
C-Dungeon; Office environment that’s a cross between Amistad and Heathers.
Close your tab; The ultimate line for closing time, add hair flip and swallow of your own vom… works best if you just so happen to be that girl when the lights go on at the bar. Not that I know anything about that.
C-Rag; C U next Tuesday. Particularly atrocious. Google my college feud(s)… #kansas.
Douche Canoe; Boat, vessel, or other underwhelming nautical container that attracts questionably attractive hedge fund d-bags in Villebrequins with Mommy Issues.
Floof a loof; SHMOOPSIE DOODLESTEIN FLOPSTERS.
Jimmy; Babies, small things. Name of future son. Don’t steal it.
Hard pass; NOPE.
Happy to be here; I may jump.
Mercy; When a simple DANG, DERN, GOLLY, SHUCKS, or CHEESE and RICE won’t cut it. Start with a good ole’ Mmmmm, then take a deep breath and give your sidekick a nod and let out a properly-drawled Meeerrrrcccyyy. Use in Magic Mike XXL scenarios, or appreciating collared greens.
Popcorn; Safe word.
R; Rape, or Rain. Refer to Game of Thrones and weekends this summer. Both bad.
Scissor; Verb, to demolish, ruin, or Lady dabble.
Shmeebler; Jewish Keebler Elf.
Spray tan has been Compromised; Man Down.
Sure will/sure do; Southern for agreement, merriment, a simple yes is an understatement. Ex: Katy, will you show up drunk on your cousins’s doorstep in Charlotte next Sunday morning and demand brunch food and Excedrin? SURE WILL.
Tell ’em Rach; Tell my story for me because I can’t even.
Woof to the the Wifepiece; Ew, your girlfriend is bougie, FUG, not enjoyable, wearing something offensive, or it’s just inconvenient that you have a girlfriend.