I’m calling it.
The thing we’ve all been thinking. At least those of us who didn’t abandon ship after episode 1 and the “butt fuck your father with your mother’s headless corpse” incident, which I now consider one of the brighter pieces of dialogue in this slogging, unforgiving series.
This show fucking sucks.
Seriously though, True Detective’s second season is bad and boring. The dialogue is fucking ridiculous, it’s like David Mamet on Quaaludes writing un-motivational quote posters. Can anyone give these people some Cymbalta for god’s sake? I mean, what is this:
“Sometimes your worst self is your best self .” I don’t know what that means.
“Pain is inexhaustible. It’s only people that get exhausted.” Pardon?
“We get the world we deserve.” Someone’s got a case of the Sunday sads.
“Never do anything out of hunger.” Is this a cop show or The Biggest Loser?
“Sometimes everybody’s not always on the same side.” Pretty sure this is gibberish.
“I never lost a tooth. Never even had a fucking cavity.” I’m shaking in my boots?
“Those moments they stare back at you. You don’t remember them. They remember you. Turn around there they are. Staring.” Thanks, I’m gonna go stick my head in the oven now.
“You’re a survivor. Everything else is just dust in your eyes. Blink it away man.” Ooh, big speech.
My biggest problem might be the pacing, and the show’s stubborn unwillingness to give the people what they want, which are the Eyes Wide Shut sex parties we were all led to believe we’d be seeing in this season. But no, 4 episodes in and no sex parties.
There’s some over-arching plot about crooked California politics and land deals for a railroad that most of us barely understand. Over it.
And a lot of expository California highway panning shots. BORING.
Vince Vaughan the one-time local mob boss whose bid for aforementioned land deal legitimacy was foiled by a murdered pervert politician is still trying to re-enter the mob bossing game to make another play for legitimacy, but mob bossing after so much time away is hard and his life sucks. Maybe he should read Lean In.
Colin Farrell and Rachel McAdams are still investigating the perverted politician’s gouged eyeball/severed penis murder and it’s dull. Colin Farrell did find that sex dungeon bungalow with the fucked up animal masks, but they spent last week following a stolen car angle, and this week they go after a Latino kingpin who pawned the dead guy’s watch.
We don’t care about the Latin Kings! Show us the Eyes Wide Shut sex parties already!!
Also Rachel McAdams has a shady father who may or may not be running some kind of shady perverted cult and ARE THEY INVOLVED IN THE EYES WIDE SHUT SEX PARTIES OR NOT?? Colin Farrell’s life is still hard because he’s crazy and he’s losing custody of his son and it sucks. I find myself wishing he’d follow up on that headless corpse butt fucking threat. And that they’ll show it. We all thought we’d see some psychotic ass-kickery based on the creepy trailer image of Farrell in a ski mask, but that never panned out.
Tim Riggins is still having a hard time being gay and it sucks. Last week he followed some gay prostitutes who were SUPPOSED TO LEAD HIM TO THE EYES WIDE SHUT SEX PARTIES AND IT DIDN’T HAPPEN! So, no sex parties, just sad Riggins having sex with his fellow former Green Beret lover who wants to watch sports and make him waffles in the morning. Riggins, repeat after me. In the words of the gay masseuse who made me and Margaret get butt naked in front of him at a spa in the Dominican Republic, “It’s OK, I’m gay.” For fuck’s sake, can I be gay?? Waffles and TV in the am sound A-O-K to me.
There’s also a sub-plot about a crooked mayor with a Russian hooker wife, a pimp son, a Cymbalta-deprived daughter, and a Tony Montana mansion that is CLEARLY THE SITE OF THE EYES WIDE SHUT SEX PARTIES THEY’RE NOT SHOWING US. But we’ve known that for 4 weeks now and still no titillating revelations.
So there it is. I’ve said it. True Detective Season 2 is not good. For those of you who never tuned in, don’t bother. For those that decide to soldier on – gay gezunt (Yiddish for “you do you”). And call me immediately if those goddamn sex parties ever pan out.