I don’t have a drinking problem but I really enjoy the sauce.
One of my biggest fears about the cult that is pregnancy is that it means mama has to endure nine tortured months of being fat, feeling unpleasant, and not being able to feel the smooth, chilled crispity crisp crisp from the glass of the good shit going down my gullet. Don’t call Child Services, but something tells me I’m going to pull a big-time Betty Draper one day.
Kim Z from RHOA and I don’t agree on everything, but homegirl knows that the best way to deal with a wonky weave and a semi brain-damaged babydaddy is with a big dose of Chardonnay, especially if its CHEAP. Amen, Kim. I think it’s important to tell all those silly hoes out there that Pinot Griggio is for sissys, Sauvingon Blanc tastes like bland nothingness, and Chenin Blanc tastes like boot cider. It is further important to articulate that having the dreaded “wine nights with the girls” is such a crock. Just call it “hanging out with other dumb dumbs while drinking. ” No reason to give wine a bad rep based on your typically-married person excuse for something to do on a winter’s eve, lame ass.
Anywhowho! I discovered my love for the delicious nectar that is Chard apres college when I started working for a Honeybadger on lithium and needed to unwind after a long day of talking mid-40s women off the edge. Three years later, it now takes me at least dos glasses after work to get my brain to stop saying words like “liase,” “leverage,” “pushback,” and “platform.”
Here are my reccomendations:
Pay D’Oc, France. My absolute first choice at the local Total Wine and More. When I asked them if they had a frequent buyer’s program, it dawned on me that said program would probably be called AA. $7.99
2. Hess Select
California. This one has a real bite to it, like the Doberman of Chardonnays. Critics say it has a “buttery smoothness,” but I have a hard time equating Mr. Butters to my vino and frankly it’s not that smooth – it just works fast, y’all.
Sonoma, California. This little minx resounds with crisp flavors from zesty cool-climate fruit balanced with notes of creamy oak. Lemon, hazelnut and apple pie spice characteristics lead to palate-cleansing acidity complemented by a silky texture…and monkeys fly out of my butt. $13
4. Mountford Estate
Waipara, New Zealand. If I’m getting wined and dined by a boo, or friend who’s still on Mommy and Daddy’s dime, I’m going to peruse the wine list and pretend I’m a fancypants. I’m also going to try and make the case for this delicious bottle that gets a Wine Enthusiast rating of 92. Me-ow. $30
Chablis, Burgundy, France. The Lady Chablis’s tranny self would totally dabble with this stuff. When it’s time for some hors d’ouvres or light fare on the patio in Palm Springs, make sure you go for the gold. So. damn. good. $45
6. Cakebread Cellars Chardonnay
Napa, California. On the full-bodied, yet sleek palate, the wine offers concentrated, beautifully focused flavors and tones. Yada Yada Yada. My boss and clients both enjoy this bad boy and it’s smooth like James Bond – Sean Connery, not the woofy 70s frauds. Apparently it’s pre-pubescent, as it is said to “blossom further with another six months in bottle and, with proper cellaring, will drink beautifully for another 3 to 5 years.” $40