Once upon a time… not so long ago.. ambiguous, dark-haired, entitled, dangerous, charming, angry, egomaniacal short guys ran wild in a carefree cloud of Stop Making Sense, chinese food, and Magic Hat #9.
Everyone has their things. For some, it’s the Khal Drogos and Macholibres with their barbarism and bravery, burlap, wild horses, raw hides, and loin cloths. Cough *BEEZUS* Cough. But I’d like to slap some crackrock-hard reality in the faces of those out there who get their wand in a knot over the typy run of the mill celeb crush you’d cheat on your boo for… Mathew McConaughey? More like McConauGAY, seriously – we have proof. Zac Efron? Looks like a lady. He probably looks more feminine in drag than Marissa Friggin’ Miller. Matt Damon? Hates Obama and his sibling-in law-went to OWU, thus he is a secret alien. Brad P? Decided to become a stud horse to a gypsy festival of bandits and fashion victims.
Next time you want to visualize someone spitting game at you who’s actually a romantical hotsauce train – instead of the Jabroni offering you a surfer on acid shot, feast your eyes on this Comeback King. Talented and entertaining as one of those Cirque du Soleil Monkeymen? Check. Has a thing for Arrogant, big-shnozed women? Check. Jewish-Irish-Scottish-German heritage? Check. (You’re welcome, Linda).