Now, I’m not going to be one of those chickenheads who slaps on a football jersey every Sunday and hollers at the tv screen at your local bar like she’s Katy trying to lose her voice in a North Carolinian cornfield in order to force the raspy Jessica Rabbit effect.
I don’t know dingus about football – the truth of the matter is that I don’t give a flying fludge about Tom “I ask Hillary Clinton for hair styling tips” Brady, Tim “If Jesus loves me then why do I look like I’ve been hit with a bad case of the missing chromosome?” Tebow, or Ben “Wait, but I thought “NO” means “YES!” Roethlisberger.
There is one thing I know for sure when it comes to football, though. And that is that John Madden is a straight up GENIUS.
Wikipedia tells me that Madden was a really good football player and coach and on-air commentator AND video game persona. But that’s not how he earned his lifelong MENSA membership. John Madden is a genius because he knows that airplanes are death machines and that humans were not put on this earth just to soar 30,000 feet above it in steel tubes throttling through thin air at 400 miles per hour.
Seems like common sense, right? Wrong. We opponents of air travel are few and far between. That’s why I have made it my lifelong goal to spread the gospel that the “flying is safer than driving” statistics are BALONEY. Do yourself a favor and get really rich, then take John Madden’s sage advice and buy yourself a tricked-out bus that will allow you to traverse this great green earth on terra firma rather than trying your luck at testing the laws of physics.
Also, humans got from one continent to another by boat for a long time before everyone decided that transatlantic plane trips were a good idea. Sailing is a tippy top drawer activity that I believe should be liberated from its current Nantucket Douche Nuggets Only domain.
What’s that you say? You’re scared you’ll end up in a Costa Concordia situation? Well riddle me this: Would you rather be one of the thousands of people who lived to tell the tale of the Italian Boat Captain Who Ordered A Romantic Dinner While His Ship Was Sinking or would you rather be one of the passengers from Air France Flight 447? Thought so.
If you are not yet convinced that you are safer getting from here to Nairobi sailing across the high seas in an old recycling bin wrapped in saran wrap than you are boarding Kenyan Airways, just watch the crash scene from Castaway. Sure did it for me.
In closing, I would like to say that there are not enough horse tranquilizers in all the Walgreens in all the land to make me relax on my flight to Captiva tomorrow, so stop trying to tell me that the chances of perishing in a firey fuselage are slim to none: John Madden and I know better than to believe in your numbers-backed reason and logic. Bring on the Winnebago.