This is unfortunately not a headline from “Sick Sad World.” Why don’t you just go ahead, take a minute and swallow that vom back down. I’ll wait.
If I could say anything to January Jones for shedding light on the fact that there are actual, real-life women who voluntarily consume their own fetus juices and do not reside in nuthouses, I would use the wise worlds of my idol, Susie Essman. That’s right January: you are one sicko, f*cko, a**hole.
Sadly, this whole “B/C/D-list celebrity getting weird about her bebehs” thing is nothing new. If you’re narcissistic enough to devote your entire career to eating wisps of air and sometimes getting paid to play dress-up on camera, chances are you are going to seriously eff up your offspring.
And by chances, I mean your kid doesn’t have one.
Katie Holmes and Kelly Preston were totally silent during childbirth. Oh, and they left the baby alone for “a day or so” once it was finally out. WHAT?!
Aaaand on the opposite end of the decibels-while-birthing spectrum, we have Mariah Carey, who blasted a live version of “Fantasy” as her sparkly unicorn butterfly babies entered the world. Why a live version, you ask? So that they would hear applause as they scooted on out her hooha. Duh!
Blossom breastfed her behbeh until it was a walking, talking 3 year old child. Call me crazy, but if your kid can take a poo poo in the potty and you haven’t gotten it off your teet yet, there may be an issue.