A couple Feinberg glossary terms, before we proceed:
MO; to “make out,” suck face, swap spit
MODH; “make out/dry hump,” a time-honored 2nd date move when you don’t want to go to naked town yet
I’m a smart girl (at least I think I am).
I read books, I have hobbies and interests, I ask questions and listen to answers.
And I watch The Bachelorette.
It’s a guilty pleasure I don’t feel very guilty about. The show is relatively harmless, at least to the contestants. Sure, they get themselves into emotional fits onscreen, but I’m confident they go back to Ft. Lauderdale after filming and resume their normal lives unscathed. On the flip side, participation on the Housewives franchise is a 1-way ticket to divorce or foreclosure, and it’s fucking sad.
20 Housewives Who Got Divorced
Mapping the Real Foreclosures of Bravos Housewives
As a snarky, sarcastic New Yorker, homegirl enjoys the Bachelorette differently than the majority of their viewership (I think fly-over girls watch The Bach in earnest, a terrifying prospect).
For me it’s a ridiculous 2 hours in which contestants MO willy nilly and strenuously avoid the 4th wall of actual dating reality.
The only topic of conversation is the emotional “connection” (the C word gets thrown around a LOT on this program) and nobody broaches the four W’s of first dates:
1. Where are you from?
2. What do you do?
3. Where did you go to college?
4. What part of the city do you live in?
I’d love to conduct a social experiment in which I skip first-date Jewish geography and instead wax poetic on how amaaaaaazing our connection is. #howtoloseaguyin10minutes
Second after the “connection” is the importance of being there for the “right reasons,” i.e. are you trying to get wifed or be a contestant on Dancing With the Stars? The real life equivalent would be asking a guy point blank whether he wants to go to boyfriend town immediately or is looking for a smush buddy
After the “connection” and the “right reasons” are addressed, contestants often drop the L bomb on what is essentially their second date. Seriously, in real world time these people have probably spent 32 hours together. Normal.
Once the Date 2 L-bomb explodes, it’s time to meet the parents! The contestants have known each other for 2 weeks, spent mayyyybe 36 hours of alone time together, and are bringing a quasi-stranger (who is simultaenously MODH’ing 3 other people) to their hometown for family time. You know what they’d find at my house? This guy.
The season ends with “overnight” dates in the “Fantasy Suite” (gross). Short story: the Bachelor/ette gets a free pass to shtup the final 2 contestants. In the same week. With full and total immunity. Let me be clear: 8 million people watch intently as ABC arranges for the Bach to have sex with 2 different people, and said people never address the fact that the person they “love” has just shtupped someone else! It’s wild stuff.
Anywho, now you know what I’m doing on Monday nights.
Btw, there’s a very real conversation to be had about the sexual politics and slut-shaming that happens on this show. NYMag said it best, so I’ll point you in their direction:
The First Bachelorette to Get Real About Sex