Beezus and I are in the market for a pup. Now, is this a good idea? Nope. We need extra responsibility like I need a butt on my elbow, which I do not. But the poodles HATE the city and prefer to lounge about their turf and take ridiculous looking naps and midday barfs and tinkles splattered on select Mitchell Gold furniture and Scottish upholstery at the Cottage in the Glen. Because we can’t abduct the doodles, and if we’re destined to become busted up old hags like Patsy and Edina, cruising interns and purchasing caftans, we need a floofy creature of our own to complete the package.
The selection process is similar to choosing a boyfriend. And I’ve tried a few different breeds. Here are some contenders, based upon years of grooming and training…
Basset Hound – Pros: Flat screens, Folksy activities, jewelry, lots of affection. Cons: Slobbers. Snores louder than me after an allergy attack at a beer garden. Shares racist and unseemly anecdotes with parents upon their first meeting.
Weimaraner – Pros: Midwestern charm, nostalgia, tosses a pigskin around the quad like an old back issue Abercrombie Quarterly. Cons: Difficult to train. Wears eyeliner, invokes decades of nerd-shaming by college friends.